Hi Divine - time is against you now, so I don't want to get into the nuts and bolts of your story and there are important lessons to be learned from getting your vision onto the screen even if the story - for me at least - is still straining to feel completely credible. One thing I would just say is look at the tone of your story - you write it as if it's a high-drama, but actually the outcome is largely comedic or light-hearted and it does feel as if you still think you're writing a serious drama... your audience is going to be very confused as to how to feel if the bomb disposal expert is unconscious at the end of your story.
I don't think it's necessary at all that the art girl is his wife - it's just too much of a coincidence surely that he's disposing of a bomb next to the hotel where his wife happens to be... He's a bomb disposal expert, he's been told of the whereabouts of the bomb, he'd go in and find it - that's all we need to know. I'm not sure either what a child is doing in a library in a hotel (do hotels have libraries? They might do, seems a bit odd to me).
It would help you a lot I think if you decided you were making something more cartoony - it would help in terms of the tone, and it would help you in terms of your character design I think, which at the moment is pushing towards a level of realism your actual 2D draftsmanship is struggling to manifest - if you went more comedic in tone, your characters could situate a bit more in this design world:
https://klangley.wordpress.com/category/popeye/
You see, I think the important thing here is signalling to the audience that the 'bomb' isn't really going to hurt or kill anyone - it's like the dynamite in a kid's cartoon - it makes everyone run around and it goes bang, but no one is going to die. At the moment, your script feels a bit 'two-headed' and undecided - and remember too that your script is 'for animation'.
OGR 15/02/2018
ReplyDeleteHi Divine - time is against you now, so I don't want to get into the nuts and bolts of your story and there are important lessons to be learned from getting your vision onto the screen even if the story - for me at least - is still straining to feel completely credible. One thing I would just say is look at the tone of your story - you write it as if it's a high-drama, but actually the outcome is largely comedic or light-hearted and it does feel as if you still think you're writing a serious drama... your audience is going to be very confused as to how to feel if the bomb disposal expert is unconscious at the end of your story.
I don't think it's necessary at all that the art girl is his wife - it's just too much of a coincidence surely that he's disposing of a bomb next to the hotel where his wife happens to be... He's a bomb disposal expert, he's been told of the whereabouts of the bomb, he'd go in and find it - that's all we need to know. I'm not sure either what a child is doing in a library in a hotel (do hotels have libraries? They might do, seems a bit odd to me).
It would help you a lot I think if you decided you were making something more cartoony - it would help in terms of the tone, and it would help you in terms of your character design I think, which at the moment is pushing towards a level of realism your actual 2D draftsmanship is struggling to manifest - if you went more comedic in tone, your characters could situate a bit more in this design world:
https://klangley.wordpress.com/category/popeye/
You see, I think the important thing here is signalling to the audience that the 'bomb' isn't really going to hurt or kill anyone - it's like the dynamite in a kid's cartoon - it makes everyone run around and it goes bang, but no one is going to die. At the moment, your script feels a bit 'two-headed' and undecided - and remember too that your script is 'for animation'.